Your life is worth it!

Your life is worth it! I wanted to say that over and over again to a student at our school today. A student I've never met, or even seen.

Things started just like a normal day, and basically the whole day was a normal day, but I was deeply saddened by something that has become way too "normal". Michelle and I arrived at our school at 6am this morning, ready to crawl back in bed instead of work. We did our normal thing-- set up the equipment and get ready for the show. At about 6:50am our contact comes in and introduces himself, then asks if we are going to be ready in 20min. for the first show (our itinerary said it wasn't supposed to start until 7:45am). Luckily he was very flexible (although he came back later and told me he was a little nervous about the time) and we were able to be to have the show start at 7:10 anyway. Again, some changes but a pretty normal day so far.

We had four shows back to back at this high school in New York. The 2nd show had some pretty obnoxious students which created some issues and resulted in at least one suspension. I include this because as we were gearing up for our third show our contact came down, seeming a little exhausted already, and started talking with us. Now most principals and administrators already have a lot on their plate, so special days for assemblies and things can be a bit tricky to their already hectic schedule. He started sharing what a crazy morning it already was-- he was up most of the night with a sick child, 2 administrators were out sick, 2 security guards were not there today, a fight broke out first thing in the morning that was still trying to be resolved several hours later, then their was the kid in our 2nd presentation who had just been suspended. Sounds like a lot right? I would say so! Then the last thing that he said had me to the point of tears. He said "Oh plus we have a student in the guidance office who was ready to jump out of the second floor window and was found cutting herself in the bathroom. We called her mom and told her she needed to take her to the hospital but right in front of her daughter she refused because she couldn't pay for that kind of thing."  

Man did my heart become heavy! I seriously had to hold back tears for this girl. I just wanted to go up and hug her, to tell her she was worth it. She definitely hasn't been getting that message. I don't know anything about her, or her family life, or anything. I never saw her face, but I was so burdened just by hearing this story. After talking a little bit more with our contact, we heard that she doesn't feel too great at home either and things aren't the greatest there. So now, later on in the day, I'm sitting here questioning what things are like now. Is she at home feeling completely alone? Is her mom upset because she got called about this when the daughter knew they didn't have money to take her to the hospital? Are people telling her she is overreacting and its just a part of this time in her life? Are the reasons for her feelings being discussed and not discredit it? Did she or will she get the help/love/encouragement/hope that she needs?

Cutting and suicide is some that I have been very sensitive to for several years, partially just because of the value of life. For things to become so dark that there seems to be no other option is one of the worst feelings.  I know that stories like this girl are way too common. I know sometimes there is just a search for attention or to gain control of some aspect in life, but its still a severe issue and each incident should be approached individually and appropriately. Several students feel like this daily and several of them cut or attempt to take their own lives. Then there are the sad cases that actually succeed. I know this is the reality of it. But I hate it. I just wanted to go hug that girl, tell her I care for her, and tell her about the love of Jesus. That no, things may not be perfect, but he promises to never leave you nor forsake you. I wanted to go up to her and say "Hi you don't know me, but I just wanted you to know that I am hurting for you and care about you and love you!" And I would have meant every bit of it!

I spent most of our next presentation praying for her. Praying that she would find peace. Praying that the lies she has been hearing would be drowned out by beauty and hope. Praying that Jesus and his mighty power would surround her and show her the way to new life!

I want to be faithful that whenever God brings this situation to mind, that I will spend sometime to pray for her. I will probably never step foot into that school again, let alone meet her, but our God is big and he knows her by name!

God is good and hears our prayers even when we don't know the people we are praying for! Make sure we value each other and ourselves. Offer hope and remind people that life is worth it even on the darkest days!  Pray for people. Love people. Care for people. Carry their burdens.

Words, slurs, and laughter

I'm really glad I have the ability to laugh at myself. Today I had an interaction with a student that wasn't a big deal but still brings a smile to my face. As I was carrying equipment into the auditorium, a student asked if we needed help. I wasn't going to pass that opportunity up, so I told him that if he didn't have class then we would appreciate it. As we were working together I asked him his name, grade, and other basic things. We went to go lift up our speakers, and as I told him that the larger one was kind of awkward and heavy, he responded by saying he was use to lifting heavy things. Out of curiosity, I asked him what he did where he had to lift heavy things. He said he was a muscian, but that was not what I heard. A little confused and unsure this fit with lifting heavy things, I responded by saying "Oh a magiciian?" Luckily he did hear me completely this time, and said "Yeah I play the drums and keyboard at church." While trying to hold in my laughter (at myself) I just contiued to pursue information about the instruments he played and what he liked best.  As much as it wasn't a big deal, it made me laugh.

Things like this happen all the time. Sometimes I blame it on the fact we have to get up early, but sometimes its just me being ridiculous. Last Friday was one of those days. We had a two-school day. At both schools I had the hardest time explaining directions and making complete sentences. Several times with both students and adults I just had to stop, laugh and say "I'm sorry I'm having trouble speaking today". Oh how completely accurate that statement was. Luckily due to time constraints we didn't have to do any intros and conclusions so I  never made a complete fool of myself in front of a large audience, although they may have enjoyed it.

I also remember one  morning when we had a group of students help us. I normally try to ask for their names (and try even harder to remember them- that plan normally fails), and I repeat them back to clarify what I heard. Some kids mumble so bad and some kids have such hard names to pronounce!! This specific morning there were 4 girls who told me their names, I totally messed up on all of them. And it wasn't that I was just a little bit off, I was completely off. I didn't try to correct myself. I just resorted to eye contact, pointing, and saying "Hey you". Very personal I know. Ha. But at least I tried. I blame sleep :)

There are occurences like this all the time. There have been times when I couldn't clearly explain how to do a job because me and a group of students were laughing so hard. When I mess up, I just made fun of myself even more and people continue to laugh. Good good times. Laughter is definitely one of my favorite things in life. I need some more of it!

Everyday Living

As I was sitting in my hotel room tonight I started thinking about how I needed to blog. Then my thoughts wandered to what I would write about. What should I share? What is different from the last few posts? Recently I have been thinking about how all the days are just the same thing. They aren't bad, I'm not discouraged, I'm not bored, its just that I go to work, then head to a hotel where I read, watch TV, talk on the phone, exercise, take care of things such as laundry, etc. All of these things are great and important, but at the same time they are all a part of normal everyday living.  Where's the excitement in that?

Then while at work, each day is different but the same. Now reading that, that statement doesn't make sense. Let me explain. Each day is different because we are in a new school, interacting with new people, setting up in a new area, and so on. But its the same because that pattern is what we are used to: Arriving at a school normally early in the morning, finding someone to show us where to go (sometimes they have no clue that we are even supposed to be there), set up, run the show, and then head out. Some days the students are very attentive, other days their aren't. I guess this all comes to mind because I've been talking with people recently and they have been asking me about whats been going on and all that. My first response is always "Well you know, just the same stuff." I want to elaborate but how?

 This all leads me to the reminder that I was made for adventure. I want excitement, new experiences, even sometimes challenges. And this job has and will continue to provide some of that adventure, some surprises along the way. Like today, I was pleasantly surprised by the response we were given by the students at the high school we went to today. I feel like this school said 'thank you' the most, and provided feedback to both Michelle and I, as well as the school administration. This was surprising because in the beginning it seemed like a pretty tough crowd to appeal to, but they sure jumped in to the program!

I feel like I am approaching  crossroads in my life. Just like I wrote in my last post, I have been dealing with trust a lot. Trusting God to provide and show me direction. I am thankful because I am not burned out with this job, I am confident about finishing well, but my heart is being prepared for the next step. And that next step is still a complete mystery to me. I'm ok with that only because I know that if it was God's timing then I would know where he's leading me.

 Not only am I seeking out a job for after my time with Camfel, I seeking to establish my place. I would like to find a job that is more permanent, meaning my contract is continual, not only lasting a year or so. I long to be back in a community of people, attending a church I call home. I want to be involved in the lives of people around me, serve them, love them, and be loved in return.

Even if day to day activities don't change much, I know that this is all a part of the bigger scheme of things. I am learning so much here and I desire to learn as I work with Camfel for the next two or so months.  There is more happening in my life than the everyday stuff, I just may not recognize it all right now.

So I just wrote several paragraphs of rambles. Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope it made sense to you at least somewhat. I'm excited to see what God still throws my way. He's never finished with me, and he's not finished with me on this part of my journey!